Value, stories, and self-worth
I had bad dreams last night : unfocused now and hidden, but they left me waking disturbed and angry - and ready to throw in the towel and just ‘not bother’ with my feel-good morning rituals...
But I took time to sit anyway - to do a few pranayama breathing, and see if I couldn’t ‘clear the mirror’ of my inner mind.
And I realise now that this feeling is the outer shell of that core lack of self-belief that has been my chosen reality - and that of so many who struggle with a ‘dark turn of mind’:
You feel as though you have no value, no worth - and that life is therefore valueless and pointless. Feeling worthless, you do not feel that you are worth the time and effort and care of ‘pampering’ and self-care - because what’s the point?! ‘It won’t make a difference: I’m no good anyway, so it’s inherently pointless to even bother trying to make myself better, happier - it’s all a fluffy lie, a bedtime story for little children - and now I’m grown and can see that it’s all accidental, and utterly meaningless...’
And so you wallow in the bitter pleasure of cynicism and self-hate: constantly looking for confirmation of your own negative truth.
But really, it’s all just the ego - telling stories to itself. The same as to whether those are stories of worthlessness and defeat, or implicit value and beauty; they’re both fictions - but both carry consequences for how you live and feel in each moment.
So, if you’re going to tell stories, why not choose to tell the ones that have you greeting each day and each moment with playful joy and curiosity...?