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Showing posts from September, 2020

A Man of God?

“Pope Francis Reassures Parents Of LGBT Children That God Loves Their Kids As They Are” (https://www.gucmakale.com/wp/pope-francis-reassures-parents-of-lgbt-children-that-god-loves-their-kids-as-they-are/)
At last!  
You have no idea the damage done from growing up gay and being told from the pulpit that you are touched by evil, because of how nature has made you - the pain as you hear every word as a personal rejection by your God and church, and the hidden shame and self-hate held rotting in your core for decades, until it leaches all light and love from your life and leaves you so convinced of your own unworthiness that you plan the ultimate sin of all... Or the damage to the Father and the family who sit unknowing beside them, but who will eventually feel torn between faith and family, church or son, and lose 10 years that we can never truly replace...
I finally left the Church, and then Christianity, because of all that hidden hate and hurt and shame - went through years of darkness…

Broken things and the art of Kintsugi

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In my naivety, I went looking for the Perfection of God’s hand within the world, yet everywhere I looked I only found imperfect and ‘broken’ things. 
And so I looked for God in others, gazed deep into their eyes looking for the Shine of Divine ecstasy - but saw only broken hearts and wells of pain and suffering
And finally, I looked within myself to find the brightness of God’s love - but found only darkness and despair.

It was only when I truly saw how broken I was - how imperfect and damaged the world, how hurt our humanity - that I realised that the God I was looking for does not exist.

God is, and never was, ‘perfection’, or ‘beauty’, or ‘light’. God could never be something so one-dimensional and vacuous - so devoid of meaning and purpose. So utterly NEGATIVE.
If God is anywhere, god is in the cracks - the breaks, the hurts, the multitudinous cry of pain and despair as LIFE itself struggles against everything - and keeps going. Cracks and all.
Because my God could never be a distant an…

If you are thinking of ending it, please - read this...

Today is #SuicidePreventionDay. 
I know how it feels to so desperately lose hope that you can’t imagine going on living, and to feel so much of a burden on others that you think your only option is to end the pain, permanently - for yourself, at least. I’ve been in that suicidal place several times through the last decade of my Depression and despair - and was only contemplating ending it all last week...
But, I’ve also been on the other side: and have had to live with the confusion, guilt and utter helplessness after someone I loved took their own life - and though I will never ‘blame’ her for that last act of desperation, I know that it does NOT end the pain: it just transfers it to those who are left.
So I KNOW: suicide is not and never will be the only solution. It is the ultimate and final act of self-harm, and the echoes and repercussions will shatter the lives of those whom you fool yourself into believing you are protecting. 

Before you take that ‘permanent solution to a temporary…

‘To do’ lists for the soul?

Do you really need a ‘To do’ list for living?!
We all obsess over ‘getting things done’, and ‘being productive’ - we’re made to feel guilty if we haven’t ‘achieved’ or ‘succeeded’, ‘proved our worth’ by completing the longest and most exhausting list of jobs and requirements - from obsessively cheating our inbox, to having the best and newest phone, or the highest number of ‘likes’ and followers.
And all that ‘doing’ is slowly killing us - not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually 
And I’m as bad as everyone else. Here I am, struggling with depression and self-worth - and how do I habitually try to make it better? I make myself lists, and create calendar prompts and reminders: my whole day from 6am to 9pm timetabled into little slots for when I must meditate, and do yoga, or practice piano; I even had timed reminders to ‘be grateful’...! 
They were there to try to help me when I’m low and unmotivated, but all I did was use them to nag and bully myself into being/feeling ‘produc…

The Flame and the Void

My #therapist is like a Zen Master. I took him my pain, my hopelessness, and he turned it back to me...:

“So, you’re ‘doing’ “hopelessness” right now? - then you should do it properly! It’s not like you can do anything else right now - it’s your karma to be where you are, no matter what you try or do - so you might as well use where you are as grist to the Mill of Becoming, and be here fully...

So, How do you feel, right now? Not ‘how do you think you feel?’ - that’s head-stuff; how does your BODY feel, right now? What is your PHYSICAL experience of feeling ‘hopeless’, right now?...”

Let yourself FEEL what you’re feeling: burn with it. Hold nothing back - Surrender to it, and let yourself be consumed by it - you may just discover that much will be illumined by the flames of such complete awareness...

It’s amazing how how much of my depression is spent in trying NOT to feel - to be ‘in control’ and ‘find healing’ - but how can you heal what you have not yet felt...?

Instead of wasting energ…