Surviving Toxic Catholicism
I have been in a dark place again: lost in old habits and unhelpful self-criticism and analysis; second-guessing my every thought and action and feeling utterly at war between my ‘Self’ and my ‘desires’. So lost in feelings of worthlessness and sinfulness that every moment was filled with such horror and pain that I planned my death just to ‘cleanse’ the world of my pathetic and sekf-hate filled existence.
But, even amidst all this angst and sorrow, a deep quiet voice kept telling me: “this is old, now - let it go: just come home”
And I realise now, forgiving myself for both my depression and the traumas that created it, that really: does any of it really matter?!
All this angst over ‘sin’ and ‘worthiness’, ‘sex’ or ‘spirituality’! This childhood fear of the Big Angry Disapproving God, watching and judging, pontificating and condemning. When really, there is no god ‘out there’ - only the Watcher in here - what my Therapist calls “the Deep knowing” - the Heart of Buddhism, and the proof of psychology - the core of Self and Consciousness that sits at the heart of ones Self, and behind the Truth (and otherwise) of every experience, both Sacred AND profane...
And, if you let that Old Catholic and jealously Patriarchal God die - cut away those subconscious ties to old and painful habits of thought and action, you will find that, really it doesn’t fucking matter what you do with your time, or your body: both are yours to do with as you please!
You could sit all day covered in ashes and contemplating your navel - or paint yourself in blue glitter and march around the house whistling the theme from the Smurfs if you wanted to! No one cares - least of all the Self within that is both You and god.
“The paling priest doth lie!” - There is no dualistic separation between ‘god’ and ‘matter’ - no moralistic split that brands pleasure as sinful and the antithesis of spiritual. Every mystical prophet, every bodhisattva, every Seeker and Speaker of the Truth that is Love tells us:
Matter is god - We are in the womb of god - and being so, everything is auspicious.
And, Maybe, THIS is what you must learn this time around...?
Everything is good. Everything is god. Including yourself, and your body, and your cock, and your pleasure and cum...
There is no penance to be done, no merit that needs to be gained: every moment you are alive you are alive with god - so take pleasure in it, and be healed and whole:
For there is no part of me that is not of the Gods!