The Pagan Yogi

“Is that the price? Crawling to Paradise - all the way - on my knees...?” (St Francis and the Jewel Thief) I thank the Sangha of my heart and friends, who have faced my guilt and self-criticism this week, each in their way, and told me me the same important message::  You have the permission to enjoy yourself. You are allowed to take pleasure and enjoyment from what you do: in fact you should enjoy what you do, otherwise why are you doing it? Yoga, meditation, transformative growth - LIFE itself! - these are not penances or punishments for some failure to be ‘Perfect’, ‘holy’, ‘woke’ - they are beautiful opportunities to be reminded that life - especially the fully conscious act of mindful living - is a treasure , to be cherished and savoured with all the innocence and delight of a child’s first Christmas ... You do not need permission: there is no part of you that is not of the Gods, no act of love and pleasure that  you can do that is not a celebration of the Gods and of Life. 

Isn’t it curious: if someone with terminal cancer decides to refuse treatment and let the disease take its natural course, everyone thinks it’s a noble act of bravery - but if someone has suffered for a lifetime with ‘cancer’ of the mind, and decides to quietly put an end to the years of suffering that their disease has caused to themselves and everyone around them - suddenly everyone is full guilt and thinks they’re ‘selfish’ and ‘cowardly’... And I know this is will hurt everyone, and I know you’ll want to try to tell me “you’re loved”, and “you’re special!”, but I’ve already upset Geoff and fucked-off my therapist today, and I’m so full of piss-and-fire and self-loathing right now that I’m barely managing to be civil even with myself, so please excuse me if I go dark for a while whilst I wait to figure out if any of this is worth it anymore.