“Dearest; I think that I am going mad again..."

“Dearest; I think that I am going mad again..."

I don’t think there is a better ‘description’ of how it feels to fall into depression than this achingly sorrowful music by Max Richter , inspired by the writings - and suicide - of Virginia Wolfe...

I listen to it and I hear and recognise the same slowly tightening circles of obsessive thinking, the deep low pulse and undertow of dark thoughts, the slow calcification of aching withdrawal into a hopeless stillness, the maddening fear and certainty that ‘this time might be the final time...’ - and the helplessness of knowing that your are hurting those who love you most - but feeling, falsely, that they might finally be able to find a kind of happiness and a sense of release should you finally fill your pockets with stones, and disappear beneath those dark waves without a trace...

And yet, despite its darkness, it is some of the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard - and, strangely, that makes me feel that, maybe, whilst I can still hear and appreciate that beauty there might still be a tiny bit of hope left in this personal darkness... 


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