Today is a day I never thought I’d reach: I just had my ‘last’ regular weekly #psychotherapy session with my therapist, Jamie Cahlil.  I’ve been seeing him (daily, then weekly) for nearly three years - since my last big suicidal breakdown in 2019, and it’s been quite a journey - but it’s been months since my last #relapse, and I’m feeling a lot more solid and secure in both my coping skills and my self-care, so we’ve agreed that I am recovered enough from both the Depression, and the triggered fear and shame that was behind it, which prevented me from looking after myself or even believing I was ‘worthy’ of recovery or self-love. And I DO feel so much better - so much more ‘me’ again. I still have downs, and ‘habitual bad thoughts’ but I also now have the skills and the self-belief to face them and then let them go.  We’re still going to meet monthly for a catch-up for a little while though, just to make sure I stay well (and he wants me to contact him if/as soon as I feel any ‘bad’ co

No Hate

#noh8 Rafiq’s testimony about what he and other Asian players have endured as ‘banter’ was harrowing - but it only shows the very tip of what people of colour have to endure, every day: the multiple micro aggressions, the casual use of racist language and slurs, and the underlying assumption that underpins almost all of British and Western Culture that “if your skin isn’t White, you’re ‘foreign’ - and a threat” This is the reality of the racism that sits at the heart of our culture - the racism that is the toxic leftover from our inescapable Imperial Past. This is the reality of over 300 years of British and Western Imperialism that saw the world and its nations as ‘Ours’ - the sea of pink that swept across the globe like a disease that said “We are the culmination of progress and culture: we are God’s own People, Made in His Image - all other peoples and cultures and beliefs are ‘inferior’ to us, and We alone have the Right to Conquer, to enslave, to Rule, to ‘civilise’, and to oppres


#reflections What is the true nature of #beinghuman? Like the surface of a pond, Is it the surface that one presents to the world - this body, this skin, this face that others see, and the mask of identity through which we interface with (and filter ‘Reality’…? Or is it the unseen depths beneath that shiny surface - the fresh and flowing water, the rich and fertile mud from which the #lotus grows…? Everyone has an ‘#ego’ - it’s that voice and ‘identity’ in your head that says “‘I’” and ‘mine’ to experience. But with #breathwork and #meditation, as we quiet that ‘speaking mind’ and open our instinctive heart, we find that below the impulsive and habitual clinging to a ‘possessive’ identity, there is a kind of bodily awareness and experience that is just ‘#being’ - without judgement or analysis, without words or the concepts and conceits they create. To live in THIS space - where there is no idea of separation or difference, only Unity and Life - is the goal, for me at least 🙏🏻 #mindfu

Samhain and Grief.

I feel acutely aware of the need to Grieve The Dead this Samhain - and cannot help but think of the 5 MILLION who have died during the #covid_19 pandemic, and all those left to grieve. Nor can I ignore the Billions of other souls - human and otherwise - who are suffering and dying in the wider struggles for sustainability and survival brought about by our own self created climate crisis. And this Hallowed Eve, the Veil feels thick with all that pain, and grief, and sorrow… And I hope that we are able to take comfort in whatever faiths we have that although they are no longer with us physically, the memory and their ‘spirit’ lives on, and bids us to do the same. 🙏🏻  And so, I take hope and strength in the Mysteries - in the knowledge that “all things change, but life continues on”. Death is inevitable, but only a transformation; and though we cannot avoid suffering, we can yet learn from it, and grow to become better because of it.  And so I embrace my Shadows, and nurture the seeds o

Rekindle the fire

“There is a fire in all of us - but some feel they only have ashes left. But if you dig in the embers where you remember it used to be you will always find a last surviving ember” (@babaramdass). And, if you hold that ember to your heart, and breathe upon it with all your LOVE, then it will grow and rekindle and become a BLAZE that will illuminate your mind and truly open your heart. Because this Phoenix can never die. So, sit by the fire, Quiet your mind; and open your heart. “Quiet your mind with meditation; open the heart by loving all you can.” And when the mind is quiet and the heart is truly open, then you will know both the question and the answer: “Who am I? What must I do?” - all things are spun upon the wheel of manifestation, as energy is spun into matter and matter decays into energy, and spirit and body become one - and it is Karma that spins the wheel. There is Nowhere to go; Nothing to do. It’s all GOD. Even this thought and the technology that brought it

“And Lucifer turns the wheel”

“Farewell oh Sun: ever returning light!” We worked our #autumnequinox last night, the descending Sun had me considering the #myth of #lucifer - and what it has to teach us about the #Ego… In the Monotheistic myth, Lucifer is the #fallenangel who rebels against the All Good God - and becomes the #scapegoat for all #Evil. He falls due to the hubris of His #Pride and #Ego - but what is Ego, other than the illusion of Separateness? He fell because he wanted to be ‘special’ - and forgot that he is already #Divine… But in the #Gnostic telling, Lucifer’s rebellion is driven by #compassion and not Pride. Like #Prometheus, He stands against a Jealous God who wishes to keep Man ignorant and obedient, and in the Sacrifice of His rebellion He gives Man the Light of Consciousness, and therefore of Hope - because through self awareness, Humanity can become more than they where made to be. But In the #Wiccan Myth, Lucifer is a God in His own right: born of the trembling of #Diana’s Desire; He is the

Suicide prevention day

Today is #suicideprevention day - and even though it is an important day for raising awareness, I also know it’s an incredibly tough one, full of #triggers for those who are experiencing #mentalillness  And so I want anyone who is struggling and reading this to know: you are NOT ALONE - if you can just stick with it, these feelings WILL pass, and things WILL get better. How do I know? Just look back at my stream: I’ve been where you are now - multiple times. I’ve lived with #majordepressivedisorder for over 10 years, and lived through multiple periods of #ideation, and 3 interrupted suicidal relapses. I’ve felt the weight of #hopelessness and the depths of utter #despair - and felt on too many occasions to count that life just wasn’t worth living anymore, and it would be better for everyone if I were dead.  In fact, one of those interrupted attempts was just one year ago (you can read the post I wrote then, empty of strength and hope, and willing myself to die: m