Posts

Only *THIS* is real

You forget what’s real when you’re stuck in Depression. You get caught up in your head, looped in your thoughts and mired in morality and metaphysics - “Who am I? I feel unworthy... Why am I always unhappy? What’s the point of living, without Hope...?” But in all that rumination and suffering, we forget that although the momentary energy of the thought is ‘real’ - flickering across the billions of neurones in our physical brain - the thought itself is not: it is fleeting, a moment in time, a projection into a future that does not exist and cannot be accessed...  And just as the thoughts in your head are but passing waves that rise and fall within and between cells, so the ‘thinker’ who ‘thinks’ them only truly exists as an idea: a projection of the ego and a composite of previous, ego-filtered experience, compiled into an idea of ‘me’ and jealously guarded against the possibility of dissolution... The only ‘Truth’ - the only ‘reality’ is this physical moment - these cells, these quanta

Mindful living is Purpose enough

Two quotes came up today on my Instagram dashboard - synchronous with the slow insight that has been dawning in my own Work and meditation practice: is there any great ‘purpose’ than to be fully and truly conscious and alive - fully embodied in the unfolding Divinity of this Living Moment...? I think these words from four of our Century’s Great Souls can say it better than anyone: “Through the practice of living mindfully, we learn new habits. Walking, we know that we are walking. Standing, we know that we are standing. Sitting, we know that we are sitting. Practicing this way, we gradually undo our old habits, and develop the new habit of dwelling deeply and happily in the present moment. With mindfulness in us, we can smile a smile that proves our transformation.” - Thich Nhat “The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.” - Alan W

What is ‘Enlightenment’ anyway?

“Once you are once awakened, you can never fall back asleep again...” But is this true? How, then, do I ‘forget’ the great, life changing ‘truths’ that I’ve learnt and experienced in the past? How did I forget my strength, my independence, my Divine right-ness to simply ‘be’ without shame or fear or guilt...? Did I not ‘know’ it truly? Was my Pride merely skin deep - to be shed when my life and confidence shrank...? Or was I ‘ensorcelled’ as Jamie puts it: entranced and under a spell - lost in a hall of mirrors, of appearances... perhaps it was of my own doing, the curl-up survival instinct of the victimised in order to survive - but in doing so I rebirthed old wounds and traumas that split me from myself and left me compartmentalised, and truly not ‘in my right mind’... And was this the cause and purpose of my Depression? - the mud of my self-inflicted suffering: to shock me out of this sleepwalking fall into dead and unhelpful habits - the headlong rush into ego-self and the pl

Sweet, sweet heart

My own sweet heart Deep in meditation, breathing in the wonderful moment; breath so deep, and sweet, and slow - smiling and easing - in one with the moment; and in the still moment, beneath  the rise and swell of the breath: the gentle upward pull of my own sweet heart, soft beating  in my chest. Thank you, dear heart, for being so steady: for never once giving up, no matter how my head may weep and scream despair - thank you, true heart, for holding faith and holding fast when I could not - thank you, sweet heart, for this steady gift of life and love, through thick and thin, no matter what. Thank you, sweet, sweet heart ❤️ 

“Hope floats”

I realise it’s been a while since that last #depression post - so I just wanted to let people know: I’m doing better... Not ‘well’, still, but the worst of the Storm passed, as it always does, and I survived it, as I always (mostly) do.  And things for me ARE looking more hopeful...: after a year of fighting, I’ve finally been granted Ill Health Retirement, and am being supported in the process of arranging pensions and financial matters that should mean I can continue the therapeutic process without worrying too much about how we’ll live without me able to work; the U.K. is steaming along with the Vaccine roll-out and we’re both just waiting for our vaccine date before Easter; and Spring is already bringing new life and #hope into the garden and the world. Remember: no matter how bleak it appears, whilst there’s breath in your body, there is still hope.  Here’s to ‘passing open windows’ and #travellinghopefully

You do not need permission

“Is that the price? Crawling to Paradise - all the way - on my knees...?” (St Francis and the Jewel Thief) I thank the Sangha of my heart and friends, who have faced my guilt and self-criticism this week, each in their way, and told me me the same important message::  You have the permission to enjoy yourself. You are allowed to take pleasure and enjoyment from what you do: in fact you should enjoy what you do, otherwise why are you doing it? Yoga, meditation, transformative growth - LIFE itself! - these are not penances or punishments for some failure to be ‘Perfect’, ‘holy’, ‘woke’ - they are beautiful opportunities to be reminded that life - especially the fully conscious act of mindful living - is a treasure , to be cherished and savoured with all the innocence and delight of a child’s first Christmas ... You do not need permission: there is no part of you that is not of the Gods, no act of love and pleasure that  you can do that is not a celebration of the Gods and of Life. 

“I can’t go on. I must go on...”

Isn’t it curious: if someone with terminal cancer decides to refuse treatment and let the disease take its natural course, everyone thinks it’s a noble act of bravery - but if someone has suffered for a lifetime with ‘cancer’ of the mind, and decides to quietly put an end to the years of suffering that their disease has caused to themselves and everyone around them - suddenly everyone is full guilt and thinks they’re ‘selfish’ and ‘cowardly’... And I know this is will hurt everyone, and I know you’ll want to try to tell me “you’re loved”, and “you’re special!”, but I’ve already upset Geoff and fucked-off my therapist today, and I’m so full of piss-and-fire and self-loathing right now that I’m barely managing to be civil even with myself, so please excuse me if I go dark for a while whilst I wait to figure out if any of this is worth it anymore.